Good day, peeps!
I am so blessed to be surrounded and loved by good people including my dear family, friends and colleagues. This is one the prior reason why I am not desperately looking for a partner or be in serious relationship, I received enough love from these people. Yeah, you might say that form of love differ from the one you received from the loved one (i mean boyfriend, BAE or what so called name), but for me as long as these kind love are genuine, long lasting and secured, that's enough for me to be contained.
Frankly speaking, I never been in serious relationship with someone before. Back on the old days, when there were a few guys who try to approach me to know more than just a friend, in a good manner I just declined to do so (yes, friend zoned it is). I said I have already a boyfriend or fiance or any other excuses that I could give just to cut that to go any further, which I was’t at all. It is not like I am a choosy girl or what-so-ever, I am not even pretty to shush them away but it is just me is the problem. I just dont feel comfortable with myself when I am shy because I really dont know how to react or respond with that 'call'.
I have encountered some experiences before with my pretty close male friends, that I unknowingly know that they turn to like me more than a friend. I really thought that the way they act towards me were just not more out of concern as a good friend. I misinterpreted the signal and I still feel bad about it. How would I expected that they would like me when I am little bit boyish appearance, not even sweet talker and polite. And due to that, I prefer and comfortable to befriend with male friends who are already married and have serious partner (so I am secured that they will not fallen for me).
However, there was one person that I gave special excuse for me to be in some sort of relationship and it lasted for a year I think before I made a decision to end it. I did mentioned about this special friend a few times before in the previous entries. Skip about how we first met. I didnt expect that we can become closer, and he did have a girlfriend before I knew him and due to some reasons, he broke up definitely not because of me. Yeah, unexpectedly again, I have a male close friend who is single. To cut it short, there were times he act differently, somewhat quite confused me and boost by a tragedy happen in our friendship that finally make took me a courage (after ask a few close friends if mine and him) to ask him directly about the direction of our friendship whether as a friend, friend with benefit or someone special that he even picture me in his future (too symbolic, see not even as girl friend okay because I always seek for a serious one if I want to commit with). He answered the 3rd choice. It wasnt an easy task for me to take the step to ask him but at least I tried my best. . At least I gave myself opportunity to be in some sort of relationship, out of friend zone. I tried as good as possible to be one. But for one who had been single and independence for a long time then started to commit in some sort of relationship, who doesnt even know the rules, all I think is “it is okay for him if I do this” in this relationship all the time and it was overwhelming to me. I finally realized that I really not ready to be in relationship yet, I’m still a self-love person ever, Allah know me the best. I made a decision we should stay as a good friend. However, I still feel bad towards him up until now the way I gave excuses to him by provoking certain issues where there wasnt even an issue at all and dont even think about his side, I was being too childish and selfish. That I was regret. He is truly a good friend and good husband material though. I still owed him a sincere apology. Will tell him later when right moment finally come, hehehe.
And when I watched this KDrama, Wok of Love's scene, I realized this is another reason why I found being in relationship is somehow troublesome to me and I am not even think to be in one unless Allah leads me to this road and when the time has finally come. Main tarik tali in relationship was so lame and unprofessional. Especially me is the biggest problem, a bold, reckless and straight forward person, stone headed and hearted, and I am so unpredictable. Tell me, what is worst than this, hehhee! That’s why when people ask me when, I want to get married, i gave them a lame answer, “when the time finally come” because i dont even know when I want to have a serious partner. When the time has finally come, Allah will leads you and the significant other together and you will know that he’s the one, insha allah. So, let Allah do his Almighty awesome work to write our love story and I will do my part to be a better me and better future wife and mother material, okay.
Everybody has their own time space, time frame. Be single, be in relationship and getting married, all these moments are so unpredictable and you put yourselves gambling every second in it. Just enjoy the ride, guys!
