I give a deep thought and start pondering
about my role in life so far..
My brain summon up to recall the previous memories
what I have rolled up to until now as a daughter...
I have been told that when I was a kid,
If I didn't get what I want, I always pulled a crying scene..
To stop me from crying out loud,
they gave me a bottle of milk, and guest what, I stop crying!
I wonder if my parent annoyed with my crying scene, do they?
';might be..probably..who didn't?
If I was in their shoes I might felt the same..annoying! Haha
Yes, I always expecting for the worst result or answer so that I can give myself more options
and counter measures..
that thought leave me as a flexible person that you see me now..
Thus when I was in kindergarten, I hate crying!
For me, only a weak person did cried...
Obviously, I don't want to be weak...
Then, I controlled myself no matter what happen
I have to endure my tears from weeping,
at least not in open..
I lied if I said I don't cry anymore,
I did, just all by myself, out of people sight...
Then, when I grew older..
I started to think..
that crying can't sum up you as a weak person,
Somehow, the tears can make you a stronger person too...
I am just hiding it, don't want you to keep worrying
May be, both of you take me as a cold person because I didn't cry
when I see you fighting yourself from your pain in the hospital bed
I did cried inside cause I have to be strong for the people I loved..
I have this assumption based on my observation,
For example, people who were laugh...
didn't mean that they were really happy and satisfied their life..
they just hiding their true feeling and worries...
and of course, they have the reason for the hiding
They don't want their loved one to worry...
Same assumption can be applied in crying too
I want to be a daughter
which they can be proud of,
Who can they depend on when they grew older and older...
I am not sure up untill now, did I have make my parent proud of me?
Yes might be, I do make them proud when I scored excellent results in UPSR, PMR and SPM
might be, they are very proud when I was the first one in my mum's and dad's family who entered the boarding school..
probably, I did them proud when I enrolled 1st class degree during my bachelor degree
Likely when I was offered to do straight away my phD without master degree, they were proud
but those do not ensure that I will be good daughter that they can be proud of in future...
That's why I keep praying that they will given longevity and healthy
Thus I can prove that
I am worthy for them as their daughter that they can be proud of..
One day and that day will come, Insha Allah...
As a daughter,
I don't want to be such a burden to my parent,
I just want to a good and filial daughter to them...
Though sometimes I did foolish and naughty stuffs,
that was normal for grown up people would do..
but then I regret.. I learned and not repeat the same mistake..
People who did the same mistake was a fool..
Some people says that I am gifted and smart,
Sometimes being a smart person will become a disaster
If it not come along with the wise thought..
People who come with brain usually not that hardworking but they do work smart..
I prefer to be hardworking,
hard works will get paid and succeed along the way either sooner or later
Yes, indeed, Allah is the Wisest and the Best Planner,
He know the best and being fair of His creations
Night comes after the day,
Rainbow comes after the rain
Happy comes after sadness
and every weakness comes a superiority
So being a smart wasn't bad at all,
starting from my middle school, I have been given a scholarships
that way can lessen my parent's burden,
So that they can concentrating their financial on my other siblings
that time I realized I started to stand on my own or being independent in the other word..
way too independent I guest..
As a grew up, less and less story about my life I updated with u both..
because I don't want both of you to worry about me...
Not because you both are not my important person in my life...
Indeed, you still are and forever..
But I just have get to use it and don't want to add up the grief on your shoulder anymore
hope you will understand that
Being as your daughter,
taught me a lots,
I learned that nobody was perfect,
so it's okay to be an imperfect person and be around them.
I learned that money is important but wasn't for everything,
so that I have to value it, live the life in modesty and humble.
I learned to live life with dignity,
So that people will acknowledge and respect you,
I learned that life wasn't always good and smooth as it expected to be,
So I give all my best to live without regrets and put less expectation in everything.
I learned that if I want people to love, respects and trust me,
So I have to love, respects and trust them first.
I learned when life getting harder,
So you know I am the chosen one to be tested and beg for His Guidance,
I learned when others turning back on you,
You still have both mum and dad back you up,
I hope I will be a good, filial, and the one that you can be depend on
and...you can be proud of..as your daughter!
your precious and pride...
I love you both, mum and dad!
